Printer
Friendly page - click here
Freedom From Deception |
|
| guest article from Chong (Jasmine) Shipei |
"God,
how can you allow such horrible things to happen to me?
All I wanted... all I wanted was to find you. What did
I do wrong?”
”How could you repay my desperate
search for you with seven months of living in darkness!"
I cried one day most self-righteously when I first discovered
that the spirit who spoke to me for the past seven months
was but an evil spirit disguised as God to deceive and
lead me astray. He was not God at all.
I was born a Singaporean Chinese in the
Year 1983, into a Taoist family. That automatically
made me a Taoist by birth. I was a big troublemaker
as a baby, crying endlessly, and refusing to allow anyone
to carry me except those people whose faces I recognize.
As such, my grandmother suggested bringing me to a fortune-
teller to see my fortune, and my mother agreed, worried
for my future.
The fortuneteller told my mother that
I was an unlucky sort of baby, and most probably would
not live past the age of 21 years old, unless I do not
celebrate my birthdays for seven years. My mother followed
what he said, and thus I never celebrated my birthday
for the first seven years of my life.
Feeling still very unsafe over my future,
my mother brought me to a Taoist temple and dedicated
me as the adopted daughter of the Goddess of Mercy,
one of the Chinese gods in the Taoist religion. All
this was kept as a secret from me for a long period
of time.
I do not know why, but from as young as
the age of eleven years old I was a very negative child
with no desire to live long. I always have this belief
that I will die before the age of 21. Since I believe
I will die young, I’ve dedicated my young life
to indulging in pleasures.
Why not enjoy myself in this life, since I might die
just any time in my life, thought the young me. So
that was how I lived my life when I was a child.
My first suicide attempt was at the age
of 11. After being unjustly slapped by my father, I
intended to kill myself to make him regret for life.
My mother foiled the attempt. Being a shy and reserve
girl in school, I did not have any friends and thus,
was a lonely and sad girl who always wished that someday
I might just cease to exist.
I was also quite against Christianity, always siding with
my Buddhist uncle to counter-attack all attempts by my
Christian aunt, one of the only two Christians in my entire
family, to share about Jesus. My knowledge of Jesus was
very limited. I only knew him to be the weird guy that
hung on the cross, and my young perception of the church
was very terrible. Whenever my dad drove me home, and
we passed by a church, I would shudder just to see the
cross on top of the church. To me, who then had no idea
what Christianity is, a church was a place that breeds
Draculas. After all, my only contact with a church was
the many Draculas' shows I watched as a child. Therefore,
the church to me was a terrible place where horrible monsters
such as Draculas roam about in freedom.
So, when my aunt brought me to her church
to watch her Christian concert one-day, I was very reluctant.
I was thinking about Draculas. Yet, I found no Draculas
in the church. Eventually, I assured my young heart
that Draculas appear only in shows, not in real life.
We sat ourselves on one of the many benches
in the Church, and the show began. It was a touching
story about a virgin giving birth to a baby. During
the whole performance, my eyes were glued to the actors
and actresses in the show, and a feeling of peace entered
into my little heart, a feeling I will never forget
for the rest of my life.
For a moment, I lost track of my
fear; Draculas simply vanished from my mind as I watched
the birth of this little baby. I was somehow touched
in my heart by the show. After the show, I asked my
mother many questions about Jesus, which she just answered
briefly, being a non-Christian herself.
|
That
was my earliest and only true contact with Jesus during
the period when I was a child, and it is important because
it made Church less frightening to me, and also destroyed
much of my hostile feeling towards Christianity.
As a teenager, my negative feeling about living in this world intensified.
I desired... to die. To vanish from this world. To cease
to exist.
I completely lost faith in humanity by the hypocrisy of everyone
I saw around me.
I was very rebellious. I was always shouting and yelling with my
parents, both of whom I thought did not love me. I hated
the world I lived in. I hated myself. I hated school.
I hated everything around me, including everybody.
My teachers hated me, too and always drove me to tears by their
speech. My classmates rejected me. In school, it was
hell. I dreaded school. But home...was it any better?
Absolutely no! I faced a mum that told me everyday how
disappointed she was with a daughter that was always
doing badly in her school examinations. I faced a father
that I never spoke to, since I first began Secondary
School (High school). I faced a sister that despised
and looked down on me. Everywhere... it was the same,
it was hell to me, and I wanted to die. My world became
a miserable world, where I am all alone, the target
of everyone's hate.
I was disgusted with myself, and also with the whole of mankind after
reading about wars and atrocities, as well as witnessing
with my own eyes the hypocrisy of my teachers and classmates
in school. At this point in time, I had already long
lost faith in my Taoist god, and I was believing in
an unknown God, whom I believed was the one true God.
But I did not know which religion this God came from.
There are so many religions in this world, and how can
I know for sure where he comes from?
The truth is, I did not know, and I was lost and confused.
Somehow, I started to mess with the occults, surf satanic
websites, consult guardian angels. I even prayed to
the devil once in a while for favor. I started to indulge
in seeking pleasure through Japanese anime, comic books
and collecting cards. While my pleasures were highly
intensified, my emptiness... grew
|
Empty! Empty! Empty!
I
feel so empty! Why... why... why do I feel so empty? God,
where are you? Who are you? Where do you come from? Why
am I so empty? God, can you tell me? Can... you tell me?
Will someone tell me WHY I am feeling so damn empty!
Silence
screams roamed and traveled in my heart, but no one could
give me an answer, no one wanted to give me an answer.
My feeling of emptiness... a lack of meaning to my life...
strengthened my desire to die. I... wanted to die!
Somehow, I do not know why, but somehow, at this empty period
of my life, my attachment to the Christian God grew.
Somehow, he seemed to be very similar to the unknown
God I prayed to. But I cannot be a Christian. My mum
won't allow me, and so I never became a Christian through
the whole period of my Secondary years, even though
that desire was strong.
In the Year 2000, I went to a junior college, and it was
there that I met this girl Jia Yan who was thinking about
becoming a Christian. Feeling positive about Christianity,
I highly encouraged her to be one. She was convinced and
soon was converted. She told me about her wonderful conversion.
I was jealous of her, wondering why she could be a Christian
while I was searching harder for God than her. (I was
a very self-righteous person in the past.)
Jia Yan brought Jie Yin, the one who converted her, to my school.
Jie Yin started to talk to me about Jesus. I was very
interested by what she said except when she told me
that now that Jia Yan believed in Christ, Jia Yan was
spiritually higher than me, something I strongly disagreed
with. However, when Jie Yin wanted to lead me to Christ,
I agreed and she led me through the sinner's prayer.
And I prayed to God as she led me. I successfully prayed through
the sinner's prayer.
For some, their success stories or testimonies joyfully end here.
Mine do not. For the first few months, I was happy as
a Christian, desiring truly nothing in the world, but
after a while, I was back to my own self, again.
I went back to consulting guardian angels, began to surf Satanic
websites on how to conjure spells etc, and continued
to satisfy my pleasures by reading about the occults.
Eventually, my empty feeling came back once again, swallowing away
every joy I might derive from my pleasures. I pursued
and pursued pleasures, one of which is the writing of
stories. Such pleasures brought me away from the real
world into a world of fantasy, where I interacted with
make-believe characters who satisfied the lonely feeling
in my heart, and they gave me so much pleasure that
I temporarily lost track of the deep empty feeling in
my heart. But like I said, such pleasures were temporary,
and whether I liked it or not, I was soon brought back
to reality.... the reality that I still did not understand
what was lacking in my life.
|
Why?
Why so empty? Why? God, I believed in you, didn't I? Why
do I still feel so empty? Why the desire to die?
God
was silent. He did not answer me. Meanwhile, Jia Yan,
who believed in Jesus only a week earlier than me was
thriving and growing. She kept growing in her joy, and
success over her studies became very evident to everyone
in her class. Jealousy struck my heart at the apparent
change in Jia Yan's behavior that was lacking in me. Didn't
we become Christian at around the same period of time?
Why is she growing while I... am still struggling with
this deep sense of emptiness in my life? Desperate, I
decided to seek God once more, but not in the way the
Church teaches us.
One day, I came across a new age book called, "Conversation
with God" by Mr. Walsh, but I did not know it was
a new age book. I thought it was a Christian book. Mr.
Walsh claimed that while writing some questions down
on a piece of paper, "God" answered him and
he was inspired to write down the replies "God"
gave him. That was how he communicated with "God".
I decided to try it out.
I started to write a letter that goes something similar to this.
“God, I read a book written by Walsh on communicating
with God, and if it is true, can you answer me? God,
are you there?”
I prayed very sincerely. No response. I waited a while, and the
pen started to move. I wrote the word, “Yes”.
And thus, I started to have a conversation with “God”.
From communication through pen, this "God" started
to communicate with me and eventually through my thoughts.
He was able to speak to me, by conveying his voices through
my thoughts, and I, in turn replied to him either through
my lips or my thoughts. I was completely deceived that
he was God, and started to listen to him in everything
he told me. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and
I was deceived soon into loving him back. He told me many
truths, which made me even more convinced that he is God,
and then he started to lie to me. But I believed in all
of his lies.
I believed in him for about seven months. Throughout this period,
however, a feeling of uneasiness often came to me. I
often doubted that the one I spoke to was God. But I
dismissed the thought. More feeling of uneasiness came.
I started to have nightmares. In my dream, I was always
with Satan, and Satan was always portrayed as my best
friend who kept oppressing me, but who lived in the
same house as me.
I started to feel uneasy. Why do I keep dreaming about Satan
as living in my house, oppressing me? I became
desperate, wanting some Christians to prove to me that
the "God" who spoke to me everyday, every
free moment of my life was not the devil, but truly
God.
I went to a Christian message forum and got people to pray
for me. A miracle happened in that Christian forum.
One of the people was typing a post about evil spirits
deceiving me as God and confusing my life, but that
God would free me through all this.
Unfortunately, her message vanished completely. While she was deciding
whether or not to post the message again, the Holy Spirit
told her to wait and see. Surprisingly, the next day,
when she went on the forum, her message was there, but
it was not posted by her, but by two other Christian
posters in that forum. The combination message of these
two Christian posters was the exact form of the message
she posted earlier which vanished-- word for word.
I learned of this miracle, and after a serious day of reflection,
became convinced that the message was from the true
God, despite what "God" tells me. I immediately
renounced "God" in the name of Jesus Christ.
Yet, at the same time, the self-righteous me, instead
of thanking God for my release from deception blamed
God for not stopping the deception in its earlier state.
I could not understand why my sincere search for God
resulted in the devil coming in disguise as God.
I lost all hope, and felt that all was lost. I felt too ashamed
to face God. I was also very angry that God did nothing
to stop me on my very first day of deception. That day,
I was greatly humiliated. I had always thought I was
a very wise person, and yet in my wisdom, I believed
the most ridiculous of the devil's lies. I had always
thought that I was the most God-seeking person in the
world, and one of the most righteous persons who ever
lived, but this incident, clearly a great sin in the
eyes of God, made me realize that like others, I too,
sin against God.
For the first time in my life, I realized I do not deserve
to be saved. What would have happened to me if God had
not saved me, if God had not used the miracle to tell
me that it was the devil speaking to me?
So much for me seeking God. So much for my wisdom.
I felt that day like the most foolish person in the
whole wide world.
Not long later I rededicated my life to Jesus once again, telling
God how sorry I was to believe the devil was God, asking
God to forgive me once more, and this time, I sincerely
accepted Jesus as my lord and savior. I asked God to
make me into the Christian he wants me to be, and free
me from all demonic deception in the future.
My moment of victory came... at this moment, and I could have
stopped here, but I do not want to. I want to share
with you the many rich blessings God had brought into
my life.
After I rededicated my life to God, my struggle did not stop
there. The devil continued to try to talk to me, to
pretend that he really was God. However, I was not fooled.
I kept rebuking him in the name of Jesus Christ. When
the devil knew that I could no longer be fooled, he
revealed his true color. He told me all sorts of horrible
things about God and myself. It was hard ignoring what
the devil said but I kept rejecting him in the name
of Jesus. Soon, he gave out his control of me. And I
was set free from his deception. Praise is to God! God
is great!
Also, with my current new trust in God, I felt that I was more
and more attracted by the love of God. This spurs up
in me a new love for God, a love that I had never felt
before for the one who made me. Suddenly, God became
more real to me. He became closer to me, and this was
not something I had experienced before. This made my
heart grateful for what he had done for me, and you
know what I did?
Well, I simply said this, “My dearest Father, I had never
really thanked you for creating me, since I was a not
sincere Christian. I had never even really known you.
Yet, after all that I had done, forsaking you for the
occults, and eventually worshipping the devil, thinking
he was God, I thought you would never forgive me ever
again for my sin. Yet, if this were so, why would you
free me in the first place from my deception? Father,
I had been proud. I had thought I was wise. Yet, this
incident proved me wrong. I realize that wisdom comes
from God, and so is my salvation. Father, you are truly
magnanimous to forgive me, after I had so sinned against
you. I realized my mistake. I realized my sin. In my
pride, God, I had thought I was holy when I was not.
It was not you that neglected me, but it was I, in my
pride, to be someone special, who had missed you, who
had turned my back against you. You were always near
me, but I did not know. The more I searched after I
was first converted, the more I drifted away from you.
Yet, you, in your mercy, brought me near to you, again.
Father, I am sorry for all the things that I did. And
most importantly, I had never thanked you for creating
me. My life was so miserable, so full of a deep sense
of emptiness that I hated you for creating me. Father,
sorry. Forgive me for wanting to cease forever. God,
thank you. Thank you for all that you had done for me.
Thank you for creating me. I love you. In Jesus’
name I pray. Amen.”
Yes, I thank God. I thank God for my life. I thank God for
creating me. And you know what? The funny thing is I
no longer feel so empty. I no longer feel that life
is meaningless.
The deep-rooted hatred that I had for myself and for the whole world
is no longer there. I am grateful. My heart is grateful.
And why am I so grateful? Because God changed me!
He changed a very important part of me that must not be overlooked
and that is this--- my attitude towards others and towards
my self. Sure, this is a fallen world. Sure, there are
hypocrites. But you know what? God loves the hypocrites!
It is because of his love for the hypocrites that he
died on the cross for them! Can I blame the hypocrites?
Can I hate them? No! How can I hate someone God died
for? God died for them as much as he died for me.
After my deception, I realized that I am a sinner just as much
as the hypocrites and despite that God loves me!
What joy! What great news!
How can I hate my life? How can I hate living when I know that
there is someone out there that died for me even while
I was a sinner? I cannot.
And so, the feeling of emptiness is gone. It is gone because
the joy of seeing God’s love in my life swallowed
the emptiness of my heart. I finally understood why
Jia Yan could have more joy than I could, even though
we were both converted at the same time. It was because
of this---she was born again, but I was not at the time
of our conversion. God is real to her, but for me at
that time, God was but a religion.
It is no wonder I could not lead a victorious life in Christ.
Spiritually arrogant, and far from humble, even though
I said the sinner’ s prayer in the past, my heart
was not right before God. I entertained pride. This
demonic deception however destroyed my pride. In my
desperation, I was humbled, and with humility I said
again the sinner’s prayer, rededicating my life
to Jesus. And this time, it was different from the past
because this time, I was truly born again! Praise is
to God!
Editors Note:
Jasmine
is like many people. She has experienced firsthand the
tribulation of spiritual warfare. We don't believe here
at Living the Solution in putting down other religions.
But, we do want to express caution over what God you pray
to. Experimenting with the occult is extremely dangerous.
Pray always for discernment.
|
Scripture taken from the
Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.Copyright ©
1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. All rights
reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of International
Bible Society.
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered
trademarks of International Bible Society. Use of either
trademark for the offering of goods or services requires
the prior written consent of International Bible Society.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy
Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996. Used
by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton,
IL 60189, USA. All rights reserved.
|
|
 |
|
|
|
| |
You'll
also receive Practical Biblical Solutions for life's
challenges with our free e-zine |
| |
 |
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
John
Fischer challenges believers to break out of the safety
zone and share Christ through acts of love, intelligent
conversation, and genuine compassion.
|
|
We
have more than 120,000 Christian books,
bibles, music, gifts, video, software and
more!
It's easy to find what you're looking for
by using our BROWSE feature to search for
your favorite type of
|
|
SHOP NOW |
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
1 CORINTHIANS 13:1 |
|
|
"If I speak in the
tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am
only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. " |
|
(NIV)> |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Love Worth Giving |
|
by Max Lucado |
|
|
| |
|
|
Recommended
Reading
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
