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Real Men Are...Real |
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by Tom Gilbert © 2003
Just what does it mean to be a man, or more to the point,
a Christian man?
Our society has often put an emphasis on being a “real” man.
Unfortunately, the version of “real” we are being
peddled is all too-often a fantasy compilation that is just
as false for men as the perfect-body of the latest supermodel
is for women.
The “disconnect” is all the more pronounced
for young men struggling with their self-image. They look
to culture, media, the “street” and wherever
they sense belonging to define their identity. Sadly, they
rarely get the acceptance or mentoring they need from home,
school or even church.
The biggest challenge we all face, men and women, is to
cut through all the smoke and mirrors of self-delusion and
Madison Avenue hype and discover reality. Just being real
may be the hardest thing of all.
Real men are men who are…well, real. That’s
what Gordon
Dalbey says, a minister who specializes in male
spirituality development. I’m sure he’s not the only one saying it (thank goodness!)
and probably not the first. There are a number of others
who know the importance of this work. Robert
Bly, Robert
Moore and Richard
Rohr are a few of the pioneers. What they’ve discovered may surprise you.
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Why Can’t a Man Be More Like a Woman?
When the women’s movement took off in the Seventies
a cry went up for men to accept and endorse their liberation.
Even further, many men were invited to become liberated,
too. This was confusing for a lot of men and many of them
mistakenly assumed that being more like women was the path.
What we discovered is that you can’t just substitute
one for the other. Despite our similarities there are pronounced
differences in the way men and women think and feel. We need
to celebrate the diversity and seek to synthesize and synergize
our differences.
Men all seem to struggle with an identity that is close
to the core of their emotions, their sensitivity, and their
soft underbelly. Anything that closes in on these often off-limits
areas of our lives makes us nervous and defensive.
Could it be we don’t want to know ourselves? Or is it the misconception that treading on
such hallowed ground displays a weakness and vulnerability?
If any man is honest with himself he recognizes that it
takes more strength and courage to be vulnerable. However,
society keeps reinforcing the macho image and when we suddenly
are faced with anything that threatens that image we immediately
recoil. It often takes a traumatic experience, something nearly
soul-crushing
to get us to drop our guard.
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Getting to the Bottom of It
We may not experience our bottom in a “Damascus Road” way,
but a good hit upside our spiritual head can do wonders for
awakening men to what is really important. So important,
in fact, that the future of vital, healthy and whole men
rests on each individual male coming to the awareness of
their purpose.
Despite what men often think, being real (aka a “real” man)
requires an awakened soul, a spiritual rebirth accomplished
through a process that has been lost for centuries to modern
man. Throughout the ages boys on the threshold of manhood
were initiated into the way of masculine spirituality. It
may not have been defined as such in all these cultures,
but the goal was ultimately the same. Young men/boys were
led through an experience of personal powerlessness and introduced
into the way of living that requires courage, trust, faith
and a willingness to help others. This help may be for the
protection of the family (clan) or to be a supportive member
of a “band of brothers”. Just like the Musketeers,
the “all for one and one for all” call keeps
the young man from veering off into dangerous individualism.
Men who don’t belong to something bigger than their
own ego run the risk of becoming aggressive, angry, depressed,
or antisocial. Inevitably they will hit a wall, no matter
how self assured and confident – how “together” – they appear.
The rebirth process is part of our baptism, yet we often do not go beyond the ritual aspects of it.
Their must be a mandate for belonging to a community that works together
in God’s design. Otherwise we have a bunch of “loose
canons” running around. Indeed, that is the case in
much of our modern society. No one is mentoring; no one is
initiating the young men onto the spiritual path. And it
is virtually impossible to do so if the very men whose task
this is have never been initiated themselves! The cynical
and self-seeking man has become the cultural norm.
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Power Abuse
The joining with others is insufficient
if men are not enlightened of the reality of their true
strength. It comes from facing self-centered powerlessness and discovering dependence on
the power of God that dwells within. It is apparent that
men cannot handle power, but can only abuse it, as long as
they are unaware of the great responsibility of power. In
the “letting go” to the Higher Power of God men
are directed into proper alignment with the world. Only when
they are aligned properly can they begin to use power without abusing it.
So, men, let’s get real. We’ve got to quit hiding
from our selves, drop the blame game and stop running. No
more macho acting out. No amount of chest beating is going
to truly impress. Groveling in self-pity or pretending to
be sensitive when we’re just being manipulative – this
must cease. Each of us must turn to our true Father God and
also turn to each other with courage, strength and caring.
The elders have a responsibility to lead. The uninitiated,
the novices, have a responsibility to learn.
Respect and Honor
The world is more than just the physical
and the sensual. It is vastly more than our own self-centered
views. The way of weakness in the face of, nay the surrender to, great
power does not mean ultimate failure. It is, however, a
form of dying. It is necessary to die to one’s self,
to the ego that misleads and is self-defeating. All transformed
men must be integrated into the whole of community for
the greater good. This means discovering that power is
something to be respected, revered and honored. It seems
we are incapable of discovering this on our own. We must
be led through the ashes of our “self” funeral
pyre to the great awakening of power in unity with love.
If this sounds like the way of the cross do not be surprised!
We must, as Flannery O’Connor once stated, “see this selfish side of
yourself in order to turn away from it."
Good additional resource: www.malespirituality.org
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"God designed men
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