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The
Worst Lesson |
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| by Brandon
Jubar |
Children are incredible!
As I watch my two boys learn and grow, I am constantly
amazed at how quickly they catch on to things – how
quickly they learn and adapt. Unfortunately, they often
learn things from me that I'd rather they not remember.
They learn things that do not come "naturally" to
them, and they pick-up these things with unfortunate
speed.
There is one thing in particular that I see so many children
learning from so many adults, and it makes me lower my
head in shame. For even today, I am teaching my children
the worst lesson of all...
Forgiveness? Hardly.
It's a common scenario. Your child
does something he's not supposed to do – for the third
time in twenty minutes – and you give him another healthy swat on the rump
and sit him down for a good "talking-to". Within
seconds, his tears have disappeared, the smile has returned,
and he's obviously not hearing the "serious" discussion
you are having with him.
Switch scenes: later, that evening, your child has just
finished another time-out. He has been an absolute terror
all day, and you've had enough. Your little boy, however,
is bouncing off the walls within moments, as if the time-out
had never occurred! He comes over to talk to you, and
you tell him to move out of the way (he's blocking the
TV). He runs back a moment later with a book for you
to read, and again you send him away.
You sit there brooding about the day, and your mood gets
worse. By the time you put your son to bed, his request
for a story invokes a fit of teeth gritting, followed
by a barely controlled commentary: "Why should I
read you a story? You've been rotten all day! It's not
funny. Do you think it's funny!? Then what are you smiling
about? You better straighten-up, buster. Go to bed!"
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Forgetfulness? Maybe.
Forgiveness? Definitely.
I notice it all the time. I'll still
be fuming about the "bad" thing my son has just done, and he
has already moved on to something else. My first reaction: "Obviously,
he doesn't care. He'll never learn his lesson." Eventually,
however, another thought creeps in: "Well, he's
a kid. Kid's have short attention spans – short memories.
He's already forgotten it."
More and more, I believe that neither of these thoughts
are quite correct. My son does not "move on" because
he doesn't care – but because he is not concerned. He's
not concerned about whether or not I'm still angry –
or whether or not I still love him – or if I'll ever
forgive him. My son has already forgiven me for my anger,
and he assumes that I have done the same for him. He
doesn't fret over who was "right" or who was "wrong" –
he just forgives and moves on to the next bit of joy
that life offers up to him!
In a sense, he has forgotten as well. Not the lesson,
necessarily, but the source of any negative emotions
he was experiencing. Granted, he may not be able to recall
the lesson in the midst of his impulses, yet he is learning
nonetheless. To better illustrate this phenomenon, consider
this:
My youngest son managed to burn his finger on an oven,
which was a very traumatic experience for him. He now
harbors a bit more respect for ovens – even though he
still needs the occasional warning of "Hot!" from
Mama and Daddy. However, he does not hate ovens. He doesn't
shoot baleful glances their way as he walks through a
kitchen. Although he was fearful and angry when he was
burned, he has let go of those emotions. Like my eldest
son, he is not holding a grudge.
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Holding a
Grudge – The Worst Lesson
Holding a grudge is something that does not come naturally
to children. Grudge-holding is a purely learned behavior.
It is a legacy that we parents hand down to our children
whether we know it or not. When a child does something
they're not supposed to do, and we punish them, we
expect them to be sullen and angry for some time afterwards.
After all, if the child doesn't at least pout, they
haven't gotten the message – right? Wrong!
When a child is sullen and angry for a long period of
time after being punished, he is not learning the lesson
better. In fact, he is not focusing on the lesson at
all. He is learning to retain his anger – to harbor
negative feelings for long periods of time. He is learning
a skill that is not necessary, and will probably do him
more harm than good.
The example of my youngest son and the stove is one that
we should all take to heart. Your reaction might be, "That's
silly. It's a stove! Why would you stay angry at a stove?"
To which I reply, "Why would you extend forgiveness
to a stove, and not your own child – or any fellow human
being, for that matter?"
The answer, of course, is that we do not easily forgive
because we have been taught to hold grudges. We have
come to believe that by forgiving those who trespass
against us, we somehow trivialize the trespass itself.
Christ would tell us that that notion is wrong. Forgiving
a sin does not make the sin "okay". Forgiving
the sin makes us "okay".
We should take a lesson from our children. We need to
relearn how to "forgive and forget".
As for me, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop
teaching my children the worst lesson of all.
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Life Applications:
Do I ever "hold a grudge" over something
a loved-one has done?
Did my parents hold grudges when I was a child? Do they
still?
What can I do to relearn how to "forgive and forget"?
Copyright 2002 by Brandon
Jubar All rights reserved.
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Scripture taken from the
Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.Copyright ©
1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. All rights
reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of International
Bible Society.
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered
trademarks of International Bible Society. Use of either
trademark for the offering of goods or services requires
the prior written consent of International Bible Society.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy
Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996. Used
by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton,
IL 60189, USA. All rights reserved.
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